HOLY TOLEDO....

holy toledo, he's wearing a speedo

When he asked me to come with those big green eyes,

those challenging lips, those thick strong thighs,

I was so thrilled, so cool calm and collected...

And then he grinned: white teeth(!), i was utterly infected.

I immediately, despite my feminist theory,

dreamt of our wedding, our childrens' inquery

of how did we meet, at a bar? in a class?

And i'd say, "no perfect kids, no, we met at mass."

And they'd skip off to school, kept, fed, just in time,

and we'd go have sex, life'd be just sublime.

He's spiritual and smart, he's warm and he's funny

He's totally into me AND he has money!

He was he ideal candidate, had checks down my list.

I couldn't wait to see how he kissed!

So I pre-gamed a lot, wanted him to remember my name.

He was totally perfect so I couldn't be lame!

So i got all sauced up and we met at the bar,

he was there with drinks waiting, OH he was so up to par!

But as the night went on i was a bit dismayed, it felt a bit dull,

Not that I didn't like him, but there was just...NO pull.

I didn't want to jump him, i didn't want to make out

So i was confused.... but drunk... and thus didn't pout.

I did it anyway, it was fun, whatever...

Maybe i was in a funk, yes a funk, that's clever.

He's awesome, he's hot shit, shit, he went to Yale!

This will be a success, yes, this could not fail!

So we kept dating and I started to see,

that he was rather, well...metro...no, ok, he was just plain girly.

He wasn't Gay...but he wasn't a guy.

To me he was great, but just no so...fly(?)

"Just stick in there." i thought to myself,

"He's freaking awesome, he's good for your health!"

And Yesterday we arrived at the shore,

his hot body? the sun? Who'd ask for more?

I figured with waves and the sand, I'll finally be

As attracted to him as he was to me!

He took of his shirt, he had rippling abs,

I thought, "this is starting off well," (I was keeping tabs.)

But then again, yay for me! I was being fair!

Yum! He poured water on his perfect blond hair!

He was in these cool board shorts// WHAT!?!?...VELCRO TEAR?

OH MY GOD (thunder clap) NO NO DON'T GO BARE!

My jawed dropped as he laid down confidently next to me,

I just couldn't go on, i wanted to flee.

But here's the kicker, he wasn't nude, no no, it was worse,

He might as well have been carrying a purse.

I looked to the sea, sorta sad, but chuckled in acceptance.

This was it, i'd have to end it, no more interference.

No more fakin' it, I'd have to say no...

Poor guy had no chance once I saw that speedo.

It's Just a No.

Usually.

Pretty Much Always.